I've never been a confrontational type and honestly I don't know if that's going to change. Some people would term it as being "nonchalant". I see and feel things but I chose to stay silent simply because it could turn out to be a bother at the end of the day. Even weighing the benefits and risks seem like a hassle.
Being the silent kid seems lonely and boring. No friends, no hangouts, no sleepovers and no razzle dazzle. It's true. But most people chose that.
Am I most people?, certainly not.
I've always wanted to hang out with friends, gossip about others, throw a little spicy secret now and then. It's fun being "chalant" sometimes.
As much as that is not really a word. I invented it by extracting the "non" from "nonchalant". I'm sure this is not your first English class so you know what I mean when I do that .
As much as friendship is fun, Maintaining it is not so fun. The reality of it crumbles with a quarrel. A little banter even, and I crumble along with that reality. Everyone wants to be understood but I crave it on levels I can't describe but I'm selfish when it comes to the attributing it to the other party.
I believe you should understand why I said what I said and why I am acting the way I am, and paradventure you don't, the friendship has no reason to exist
Combine being so avoidant and also an over thinker. Literal disaster if I do say so myself.
I'm scared that eventually I do approach you, I say the wrong thing or you take it the wrong way so I back out. But at the same time, I really want to talk to you. I suppress those feelings down hoping that by tomorrow, I'll summon up the courage to talk to you or apologize. I have this whole speech in my head and it sounds amazing but anxiety overwhelms me and tomorrow turns into next tomorrow, into three days and before you know it. I haven't spoken to my favorite person in a week.
Yes I hate myself too.
The same thing happens when I want to apply myself in another position or opportunity. Is it really the best fit for me? What if I end up messing everything up?. I put it aside.
I'll try again tomorrow.!
I'll have time next week !
Even by next month I wouldn't be too late !
Maybe it wasn't the best fit for me?
God I'm a mess.
I crave the avoidance that leaves me peaceful, lonely and depressed.
I'm scared of approaching another heart with the burden of mine. Would I be judged?
What if at the end of the day we don't remain friends? Will the little secrets I pushed up to the surface to tell her remain hidden?
How do you trust another person with your heart?. I know I wouldn't .
So yes I'm stuck here hoping I can get out of my head soon and it's not too late to be me.
The cost of my silence is growing and tightening, almost leaving no space for me to breathe.
I've lost friendships I wanted to keep. And opportunities I wanted to make a success.
I hope I do come off it because truly, It sucks to be me.
There are people who can confront anyone at anytime. Air out their opinions, views and feeling anywhere and anytime . Now those are the people I truly envy. They are at heights that seems impossible for me.
They've outgrown shoes I'm still growing into.
They've developed opportunities for others and I'm yet to even apply myself .
I'm tired of being me!
And the frustrating part, I don't know if I'm fixable .