Fear is very damaging, it cuts deep and renders you powerless, makes you feel like a blank with no prospect. I feel it consume me everywhere and even when I hang on to the little threads of hope, I still feel the slow and sudden bites.
It's very unexpected, you shut your brain down and forget about your worries, little escapes? And when reality hits, it creeps back to your sides slowly and very pain-filled. It's like a loud repeated chant, constant yells to "feel me, feel me".
My biggest fear in life is losing, losing out on chances, opportunities, relationships, potential. I try to make up for this fear by over investing, the simple logic is when I put my time and effort, I'm tied to that and I can't lose out on whatever it is.
Sadly, when you overcompensate you lose out on all sides, so as a defense mechanism I underestimate my presence and relation with anything, once I don't get attached I don't feel the hurt of missing out.
The irony is that fear rarely protects me from the things I am afraid of. Instead, it creates new losses of its own. I walked out of a number of commitments last year just because of the fear if not being enough, one of them hurt very deeply, still hurts (I love you Q). But it came with a new wave of growth especially once I recognized the pattern.
It's still a slippery slope as sometimes I find myself going back that path and knowing myself I'll rather shut off that part and focus or move on to something else. In trying to avoid disappointment, I convince myself that certain things do not matter, even when they do.
For a long time, I believed fear was a useful companion. It kept me alert, motivated, and constantly thinking several steps ahead. If I anticipated every possible failure, then surely I could prevent it. I took pessimism as a necessary character trait.
At least that was the theory. In reality, fear is a poor strategist. It spends so much time preparing for what might happen that it forgets to live in what is happening.
Some of my biggest regrets have come from allowing fear to dictate how I approached things, people, conflict...
I have hesitated when I should have acted, doubted myself when I should have trusted my abilities, and withdrawn when I should have been present. Fear disguised itself as caution, and I listened.
What makes fear particularly difficult is that it is not always loud. Sometimes it arrives quietly. It settles into everyday decisions and convinces you that you are simply being realistic. It tells you not to hope too much, not to care too deeply, not to expect too much. The less you expect, the less you can be hurt. This might not be a good scenario, but last year I was convinced I met the love of my life and I was so happy but when the time came to act on my feelings I chickened out leaving that to fizzle out.
Avoiding attachment does not eliminate loss; it only changes its shape. I may have avoided the pain of disappointment, but I also missed the joy of fully investing in people, opportunities, and experiences. The fear of losing can become a loss in itself.
I am still learning this.
I still feel fear's presence in moments of uncertainty, and there are days when it seems impossible to ignore. But I am beginning to understand that courage is not the absence of fear. It is the decision to move forward despite it.
Fear may always accompany me, whispering its warnings and doubts, but I no longer want it to determine the course of my life.Perhaps the greatest loss is not failing, missing out, or being disappointed. Perhaps the greatest loss is allowing fear to convince you that living cautiously is the same as living fully.
