I grew up hearing the same thing repeated in different voices over and over again like it was some Kind of nursery rhyme "When you marry"... It was never if, always when. It sounded harmless even comforting at times, like a promise of stability waiting ahead of you. No need to question it, it's bound to happen. Marriage was presented as a natural destination, something to prepare for, something to look forward to and obviously i did not question it at first. Few people do when something is taught as normal from the beginning but I thought doing that meant disrespect. The older ones are always right, they know these things because they've been here way longer than I have. What do I know?. But over time, I began to notice the weight behind those words. “What we inherit, we must question.”
My understanding began to shift not from one moment, but from many small observations, many experiences. Women are celebrated not for who they were, but for whether they were married and more importantly whether they've been able to marry a rich man. I heard conversations where achievements were acknowledged briefly, a mere praise going with the passing wind only to be drowned out by "but she’s not yet married". I watched how timelines were set for these women not by personal readiness, but by age, by expectation, by pressure. It became clear that marriage was not just a choice; it was simply a standard.That realization unsettled me. If something is pushed down on a woman
so strongly that choosing otherwise invites judgment and criticism, is it still truly a choice? "A path chosen under pressure is not fully chosen.". Such a path is never a happy one.
In a country like Nigeria today, I've began to see how this expectation shapes decisions. When people enter relationships, these are the basic behind the scenes reasons why they stay, and how they measure their own worth. I've seen how some women rushed into marriage out of fear of being left behind, forgotten and judged and if eventually they do succeed, those same women turn and continue the cycle of judgement and criticism. And then there are others who have remained in marriages that do not serve them simply to avoid stigma. What appears on the surface as cultural pride has began to reveal another layer, one of control, quiet but persistent. "Culture shapes roles, but should it be allowed to define limits?"This realization did not come with anger alone; it came with discomfort. Because culture is not distant, it is familiar. It is family, community, identity. It's something I should be happy and proud of, grateful for even. Questioning it felt like questioning where i come from. Yet I have learned that respect for culture does not mean silence or ignoring the lies underneath it. It means understanding it deeply enough to recognize where it helps and where it harms. "Not everything inherited is worth keeping." I know that now because I've grown to the point where I'm allowed to question it, because they will be others after me that need to know what is worth inheriting. My feelings are now a mix of clarity and conflict. I understand the value of marriage. I see how it can bring companionship, stability, and joy. But I also see how that expectation can take away its meaning. When something becomes an obligation, it loses its authenticity. A marriage entered freely is different from one entered under pressure. One is chosen; the other is performed. Some kind of show to please the audience watching. An audience that only exists when a tragedy occurs. A meaningful life is not built on expectation, but on a choice and one made freely.
Through this reflection, I have learned that a social control like marriage does not always look like force. You barely even notice the pressure or what you're being pushed into. Sometimes, it looks like advice, loving concern, or tradition to be upheld. It is repeated so often that it becomes standard. People begin to measure their worth by it, even without being told directly. That is the power of expectation. Slowly and eventually, it shapes decisions quietly. A child growing up knows if you're bad, you get disciplined for it, and if you're constantly being bad, your parents won't love you. They stop questioning everything and learn to always obey. A bad and a good thing in the same sentence.At the same time, I have also learned the importance of empathy. Not everyone who upholds these expectations intends harm. Many are passing down what they believe is right, what they learned and what has worked for generations. A tradition they have been trusted to uphold. But their intention does not erase impact, whether good or bad. If something limits freedom or creates pressure, it deserves to be questioned, no matter how deeply rooted it is. Good intentions do not always lead to good outcomes.
Now, I find myself holding onto one question that refuses to settle, one I can barely comprehend a suitable answer to. If marriage is truly valuable, why must it be enforced through pressure?. Why are we being told to be mindful of our age as women?, why are we being told to make sure we do not upset our husband because he's the man of the house?,
Why are we being told to bear with his ill-mannered behavior and pray for him to change?. Why should we endure abuse in the name of tradition? The tradition we were pressured into.Shouldn’t something that is meant to be meaningful be chosen freely, without fear, without timelines, without judgment?. At your own pace and interest.
This is the question I am still juggling in my mind. Because the answer matters a lot, not just for individuals, but for how society defines worth, success, and freedom.
In the end, my reflection has led me to conclude that culture should guide, but it should not control. Marriage should be an option and a choice not a requirement to be forced down our throat. And a woman’s life should not be measured by whether she follows a path, but by whether she had the freedom to choose it.Because to me, at the end of the day, I would say that ."A life shaped by choice is a life truly lived."