What Is love?
So many words, synonymous with love
So many acts, implying love
Or is it: who is love?
Why isn't there one definition for love?
Why is it dynamic?
I do not like dynamics
I am rigid
Does that mean I cannot love?
Be loved?
Experience love?
I've had my fair share of genuine relationships
Family. Friends. Boyfriends.
But I still cannot confidently tell you what love is.
So here I write the different acts of supposed “love” I have experienced.
.....
AYEMEO
My mother. Her name is Ayemeo.
My labor was induced. According to her, she was chased by a mentally derailed hen and fell –flat, or not so flat– on her tummy, and apparently I started banging on the gates of her womb to be let out.
Ayemeo lost her first child after birth. She prayed, fasted, and earnestly asked the Almighty for me. She says I am her gift; a divine gift.
Maybe that is why she cared for me the way she did.
Ayemeo made sure to give me tea immediately after school every day for five years. I remember because I was an addict.
I remember coming home on a hot Friday afternoon, after the hard work of learning states and their capitals, to meet a cold cup of tea waiting for me on top of the drum used to store water outside our small apartment.
She was consistent.
And often, she was willing to endure discomfort for my happiness.
Ayemeo doesn’t like to eat yam; It gives her heartburn. Yam is my favorite meal, especially with egg sauce.
Ayemeo made sure to feed me my favorite meal at least twice a week when I was little. And she ate with me.
Ayemeo knows I won’t eat if she doesn’t.
She eats so I can
.......
OLUEBUBE
My best friend. I call her Olu. We met in children’s class 15 years ago and became friends from then. We did almost everything together. We sat at the same spot during children Mass, participated in church activities together, received the sacrament of the Holy Eucharist together, received the sacrament of confirmation together, finished secondary school together, sang in the junior choir together.
We were inseparable, like twins, until 2019. Her family relocated, and she started her higher education at the University of Benin.
We did speak to each other but soon our once frequent communication slowly dwindled until it stopped altogether. I tried to reach out, but all my efforts were futile.
I slowly began to hate my friend. I thought: why wasn’t she trying to reach out? Why was it easy for her to throw away 15 years of our friendship? I thought I was inadequate as a friend and as a human. I swore never to make friends again.
Five years later, I got an opportunity to work as a research intern at the Nigeria Institute for Oil-Palm Research, and I relocated to Benin. I was shopping at a mall close to my residence in Oka when I bumped into Ebuka, Olu's younger brother.
We exchanged pleasantries and asked about everyone, especially Olu. Ebuka gave me the most heartbreaking news of my life. I froze, unable to believe what I was hearing.
Olu died five years ago.
Olu had been sick; she had a hole in her heart. Her condition prompted her family's relocation, and she never got into school. During the early days after their relocation, they were in and out of hospitals both within and outside Nigeria. Olu hadn’t told me because she didn’t want to hurt me. She had given stringent instructions to her family not to let me know of her condition.
She cared about my heart, while hers was failing.
She didn’t want me to go through pain
She endured all the pain
She died with my happiness in mind.
And all I did, all I ever did, was harbor hatred for an angel.
.......
SADEEQ
I met Sadeeq during my undergraduate days.
Sadeeq is tall, about 6ft, with glowing chocolate-toned skin that separates him from the crowd, sharp brown eyes, full dark waves of hair, plump pink lips, and a perfectly structured build; one usually reserved for gym-honed models but gifted to him by the Almighty.
He dressed like he was meant to be on the cover of Vogue: the very definition of class.
Did I mention? Sadeeq is part Nigerian-Arabian.
We took a few courses together; I only got to see him during those classes, I looked forward to those classes. My crush was seats away, but all I could do was stare.
Cosc 101 involved lab sessions, and we were grouped in teams of five. Oh, what luck to be in the same group as Sadeeq. My heart felt like it was doing somersaults.
Our names were called, and we gathered after class. I sat close to him; I promise it was not deliberate.
‘Hi Victoria,’ he said. I was surprised. Sadeeq knew my name?! How?
I nodded and smiled back. Our very first conversation, and I was dumbfounded – awe-struck, star-struck, whatever they call it nowadays.
And so it began. Our conversations grew from
'Hi Victoria'
'Hello Sadeeq'
'How're you doing?'
'I'm fine, you?'
'I’m good'
…to:
'You look really beautiful. You always do.'
'Oh please, Sadeeq, don’t flatter me.'
'I am serious. You do not know how breathtaking your smile looks.'
'Coming from a demi-god, I must really look great.'
'Just accept the compliment, Vee.'
'My name isn’t Vee, Sadeeq.'
'You’re Vee to me. My Vee.'
I do not know how it happened. The progression was fast. But after two weeks, I found myself talking to him every day. For hours. About mundane things. About school. I looked forward to those moments. We went for long walks, suya dates, and reading dates.
We grew so fond of each other that when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I didn’t hesitate. The first month of our relationship was beautiful, and the second, third, and fourth months,total bliss.
It was in 2020. The COVID lockdown was in full swing. I could no longer go out to meet Sadeeq during the day, and I dared not sneak out at night. We spoke frequently on calls, and everything was beautiful… until it wasn’t.
On the 5th of April, my phone was stolen in church. I cried and searched, but to no avail. How was I going to communicate with my love during lockdown? I had no choice but to go against government rules and my parents.
I sneaked out at 8pm and went to Sadeeq’s place, but he wasn’t home. I tried again the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that, but he was never there. After six attempts, I gave up.
About a month later, my mom got me a new phone. Without a second thought, I powered it on, inserted my new SIM card, and dialed his number.
He picked up after the first ring. The call was dead silent.
‘Hello,’ I said
‘Victoria…’
‘Oh my God, Sadeeq! Where have you been? How're you? I miss you. Where are you?’
…
‘I’m sorry, Victoria. I love you, but it was bound to end.’
‘Sorry? Sadeeq, are you okay?’
‘You’re Christian. I don’t want you changing your entire identity for me.’
‘Where’s all this coming from?’
‘I’m not worth you. I love you; that’s why I don’t think I deserve you. You deserve more.’
‘Sadeeq please don't..’
‘I'm sorry Vee, I honestly do not have any other choice’
.........
‘Vee?..’
‘Are you really breaking up with me?’
‘…Vee, it’s not…’
‘I understand. Take care of yourself.’
‘No, Vee… wait…’
‘Thank you for your time.’
And just like that, the love I had cherished ended.
Loss. Pain.
Sometimes, love teaches you more in loss than it ever does in presence.
............
They all love me, loved me.
In their own ways
In care and attention
In sacrifice and secrecy
In heartache. In pain
They all showed love.
And yet, I still do not know what love is.
I am still lost.