We live in a very enlightened society today. There is information, in fact, too much information on virtually anything and everything you want to know. Our society today leaves no excuse for illiteracy or ignorance. Starting from the structured learning system in school from childhood till graduation from the university. Education continues in adulthood with professional courses, certification, conferences, trainings, bootcamps, online and offline courses on almost anything and everything. Looking at social media, there is currently an information overload on marriage and relationships. Everyone has opinions on marriage and relationships on multiple social media apps. There are books, seminars and counseling sessions by renowned relationship experts to help people make better marital choices and be better partners. Many churches have the structure for marriage counseling, a very strict one in fact.
But surprisingly, parenting, which has been one of the most important human responsibilities since the dawn of time is left behind in this wave of intentional, ubiquitous education in society today. There is very little emphasis on the need to be educated before embarking on the journey of parenting. Parenting is a skill, a knowledge that has to be acquired. The skill or knowledge does not come with having reproductive organs or actually producing an offspring, it has to be consciously acquired. Our society is filled with people who are living proofs of failed parenting, broken children who are now broken adults. This is inevitable when couples are left to figure out parenting based on cultural norms, trial and error with multiple kids.
For most, being a parent is nothing more than having an offspring, providing for them materially, and ensuring they have a good education and are in sound health. Parenting goes beyond this. Preparation to be a parent should be before giving birth at all. Baby development in the womb, their important needs as infants, why they cry, and how they can bond with the mother are all necessary things to know before any couple even contemplates having a child. Each stage of a child’s life, infancy, toddlerhood, early childhood, and teenage years come with different mental and emotional needs, and also material needs. Parents need to be more educated about these different stages and prepare ahead for them consciously.
Children have not formed a social and cultural framework of how the world works like adults do. They do not have the same understanding of the world as adults do. They are yet to learn cultural and social norms, responsibility, morality, and intelligent judgment in certain complex situations. They have not existed long enough to have a lens through which they can understand cultural nuances, social expectations, and basically how life works. They are newcomers to reality. But sadly, many adults maltreat and punish children, expecting them to already figure these things out after less than 5 years of living. Raising a child can be tiring and frustrating, but that’s all due to their ignorance about how the world works. It is important to raise, nurture, and even discipline a child from a place of this understanding rather than from frustration or anger.
This widespread ignorance in parenting is not without dire consequences. A lot of adults today live with defective personalities that they formed from their childhood trauma, the warped upbringing they received from their parents. Many adults struggle with low self-esteem, people-pleasing, low temperament, emotional insecurity, or difficulty staying committed to relationships as a result of childhood trauma from their upbringing. Parents, ignorant of their child’s emotional and psychological needs at different developmental stages, raised children in ways that broke them. Hence, we have broken and traumatized adults trying to fix themselves in a very fast-paced world.
Childhood trauma is not always a result of extreme abuse or maltreatment from parents. Practices like parentification, common to firstborn children, harsh criticisms, emotional neglect, lack of emotional validation, and the parent blaming the child for their reactions or unrealistic expectations from a child can make a child develop childhood trauma after going through such treatment within the first decade and half of their lives. This already puts the child at a disadvantage as an adult who has to function maximally in the society.
Parents need to understand that they are not just raising a child; they are raising a future adult that has to make important life decisions by themselves. The child will also face life difficulties like the parent did. Their childhood coping mechanisms, emotional regulation and personality will be the lens through which they make every decision, every big and micro choice. Parents need to realize this about raising a child.
The enlightenment on parenting is abysmally low. There have to be intentional efforts towards educating anyone intending to be a parent about the journey they are about to embark on. In churches, conferences, and trainings, this education is needed if, as a society, we want to build better members of society. Structured education will also include inviting professionals in early childhood development and child psychologists to enlighten parents about what their children need from them as parents. Pre-marital counselling is recommended before one gets married, I would argue that the same is needed before married couples become parents. Better parenting will not create perfect humans, but we will have adults who do not have as much emotional baggage to deal with from childhood trauma. It will also help to build better societies where we have people with improved mental health.