I got my heart broken and I broke my own heart last year.

I don't like to talk about this at all but yesterday for the first time I spoke about everything with someone other than my friend group. Let me start by saying how glad I am to hear my feelings validated, I've spent a very long time convincing myself I deserved to be treated that way.

I fear I might sound a bit confusing especially with little to no details provided so I'll try to give a simple and short timeline to make everything make sense.

Way before I got into Uni, I was never the girl to be in a relationship or be with anyone, I had my fair share of crushes, infatuations and they were all beautiful, I would know. Fast forward to getting into Uni, I was young, happy, ready to explore, my first choice of exploration being my departmental picnic. That night I met Q ( no real names), he performed a song, I found it cute, simple and short, I found him cute, simple and tall. That's funny.

That same night we played a game together with him being on the opposing side, he won, we went in with the party, yes it became a party but no worries a very PG freshers party. Later that night after saying my goodbyes to my friends, I got into the bus taking the on-campus kids back to school and just by pure luck, my phone gave up on me. Just when I needed to call my dad to let him know I was leaving the party.

Desperate not to get into trouble with my family (my dad), I got someone's phone to call my dad, Q's friend was the lucky candidate. Somehow we all got talking and although my memory is foggy, I think we all exchanged contacts. I remember during the next class, Q's friend let me know my dad sent a thank you message to him, very cute of my father.

Back to Q, we kind of formed a balanced friendship, we said hi's, we texted for long hours, nothing crazy. It was fun for me, more fun because I knew he liked me and I liked him too so even when he came clean with his feelings, I wondered why I told him I would rather remain friends. Like a mosquito repels mosquito spray, he distanced himself from me, that hurt a lot but what was I to do.

My second year came around and just to cap my luck, I had my first ever public humiliation ritual with the dress code officer, a very big deal by the way. I cried, found comfort but still felt very shitty. Q heard about the day's drama and thought to come see me in my hostel with my comfort drink, I'm a Malt girl.

We talked for hours and somehow we both knew that night that it was the start of something deeper, I'm not even trying to be cheesy but we knew, well I knew. Loads of visits, hangouts later we had our first kiss, it was amazing, not the kiss particularly more of the feeling of being wanted, the feeling of comfort and every other thing I felt, we even slowly danced in public with no music, we were clearly high on happiness.

Weeks later, he randomly asked to be his girlfriend, I said yes and maybe just maybe that was the beginning of the end. It was cool for the most part, it was my first relationship, all I had to do was be a girlfriend right? Wrong, there was no pressure but I just always fell short I guess, I wasn't the most expressive person, I didn't communicate well and apparently I didn't show enough that I was into him.

Now just to jump back in time, before we got talking again, I had the biggest crush and maybe infatuation with someone else, (Eugene) you still have my heart. For the most part, Q getting back into my life was the perfect calm after getting indirectly rejected by Eugene but anyways.

Back to the past-present, I started having doubts, reservations and slowly resentment towards the whole sitch and I wanted out, I told a few people about how I felt and they tried convincing me to be patient. By the way, the third year has already rolled around here. Even more importantly it was the second semester and we were about to go for the compulsory six months internship and I saw it as the perfect time to call it quits, yes I'm a coward.

Truth be told, I still liked him a lot but I just didn't see us being together as something I wanted to do so finally on a quiet April night, I texted him to talk it all out and it was disappointing for my own selfish intentions. I wanted to break things off with him but still wanted him to fight and resist my proposal for ending things but instead he took it like a champ. A little heartbroken but mostly satisfied, I settled into a new form of ship - cordialship. We exchanged texts randomly to check on one another and once again selfish me saw that as hope that maybe by resumption we’ll get the chance to talk things out and maybe get back together with a better understanding of how we felt.

So imagine my surprise when after a very short casual greeting, Q asked me “Have you seen my messages on IG?”I had no idea what he was talking about but again I could smell the doom waiting for me, I gave a very rushed bye and immediately read the “essay” waiting for me. It felt like I was hit by a whirlwind. The shock was not enough to explain how I felt, not proud to admit this but I cried, not my best moment.

My friends were perfect at that moment, they let me be sad but still made me see there was no reason to dwell but maybe dwelling would have been good for me. I wish I could let myself feel my emotions but instead I shut off all I could feel, blocked him everywhere. I had nothing to say to him and so much at the same time. I forced myself into forgetting that even weeks after when he saw me at the department and told me he wanted to speak with me and how he was going to text me on whatsapp, I found it all laughable and sad, I knew I was not having that conversation not because I didn’t want to but I had not processed enough to face him.

Months later, I had my first real breakdown, overwhelmed by a lot of things not because he just broke my heart but by his stupid ways he reinforced an insecurity I had buried away and made me feel awful. Now with so much having changed, I still don’t know how I feel about it but I know I'm over it to an extent but not enough to forgive him. I stupidly and maybe surprisingly still care for him not in the way you’d think just as someone I was once close with. Now my approach to relationships is like a free trial period with an end date pending arrival.

I enjoy the benefits, but somewhere in the back of my mind I am waiting for the subscription to expire. It sucks for me and whoever this affects but it’s just too technical and confusing to explain, but heartbreak has a way of turning temporary fears into permanent habits. One of the things I learned from this is how much I had gotten used to separation. Losing another friend wasn’t on my bingo card but I took it like a champ.

For context, this was the Instagram message Q sent me months after we broke up:

"Good morning, so I'm typing this here because I deleted your WhatsApp number. So I wanted to come clean about a few things that happened towards May around the time we dated and all. Firstly I'm not saying this to hurt you or anything like that I just think I should tell you because the person I'm seeing right now is the most honest and perfect person and she found out about this and so she insisted I tell you, and I think I owe you that much.”

"While we were dating, I found someone I genuinely liked and tbh I really liked her a lot but I was really conflicted on what to do about it because I was sure I loved her but at the same time we were in a relationship.”

"Which quite frankly felt like you were never completely into me and it was just all in my head.”

"I fell out of love with you too hamirat and I hate that I didn't say it when it happened but I kept two-timing you and someone else I actually care about. I'm sorry"

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